A Cry For Fatherhood
Over the last couple of years, my wife & I have been trying to start a family. Once we started trying, we became pregnant almost immediately. We were so excited. However, our excitement was short lived, as we lost the baby to a miscarriage. Many people experience this loss and each couple, each individual handles it differently. For us it has been one of our most devastating experiences ever. I posted on it here.
While we continue to hope and pray, we have also looked at alternatives, such as adoption. We were told by several people in the field that doing a local adoption through the system is a trying experience, as the long process often ends with the child returning to it family. After the miscarriage, we knew this would not be something we were yet ready to face. We started looking into international adoption, specifically from Ethiopia. Everything looked promising. We have been so excited about this option.
This past week, after paying a fee to receive an application package to start the process, we received the first of the paperwork. Upon opening the package we learned that the company had only advertized a portion of their expenses online, keeping the bulk of the cost undeclared until after the application had been received. We were suddenly faced with an increase of nearly $10,000. And so another bit of hope died.
Needless to say, bot of us have been struggling with our inability to have children, to start a family. My heart aches for the chance to nurture a life in that role. I long to be a father. I want to help contribute to the creation and formation of something new, something outside myself that would become something more than I could imagine. Something that I could love and care for, even lose sleep over. When so many other seems to so easily have children, even those who treat such a gift with flagrant disregard, it is difficult not to feel anger and resentful.
As many of you know, I have been prayerfully considering developing a church plant out of our ministry here in Winnipeg. I have been studying and researching the possibilities for months, working through ideas with others, seeking input from those in the community. It has been a passion interest for some time now. However, with the recent disappointment with the adoption and the resulting emotions, someting occurred to me. Was I seeking to create this new ministry out of this paternal desire? Was my longing to “give birth”, to bring something new into the world, to invest in, love and nurture, a reflection of my deeper desire to be a Daddy?
The more I considered it, the more I realized that it was, at least in large part, very true. I still don’t know if it entirely healthy or not. At the very least I need to give a great deal more time to praying and wrestling with this vision. It is not something to undertake out of misguided emotion, but neither is a paternal instinct the worst foundation for such a venture.
Please pray for us. Pray that I would discover the clarity and vision I need to move forward in my vocational and missional visions. Pray that God will intervene to allow us to form the family we so deeply desire, whatever way that might happen. The pain of this longing increases daily. We do not want to lose hope, but it is hard not to fall pray to such despair. Thank you for your prayers.
