Dark Night of the Soul?
I feel empty.
I know I’m not. I know that I am tired and overwhelmed. I know that some of the circumstances that we are facing will be resolved and overcome. I know that I am surrounded by people who love me, believe in me and will support me through anything. I know that reality is not as bleak as it seems through my current emotional and spiritual perspective.
Still, I feel empty.
Do I lack faith? Am I suffering as result of unconfessed sin? Is it an attack by some malevolent, personified spirit? Is it purely physical? Psychological? Am I just being a wimp? Might I overcome it through just pushing through? Am I just scared and lazy?
In the end, I know that I could improve things through a better lifestyle (especially where diet and exercise are concerned). I know that disciplined sabbath rest is something I need to be more diligent about. I know that many of the circumstances will be resolved, while also knowing that these are things of life. I am working on each of these areas. I see and believe in the hope they provide.
With all that said, I recognize that there are other factors at play here that I need to acknowledge and address. I am suffering from depression. To say this- to recognize that it is more than just tiredness or sadness- is very difficult for me. I find myself bored and dissatisfied with the things that once made me passionate. Paniced energy swings into exhaustion more frequently. I find myself daydreaming about what I might have done differently or could do if only. My eating and exercise habits reflect compulsive responses to the emotions. Situations and people, who I once had boundless patience for, now stir frustration and resentment.
In discussing the matter with a friend who is a counsellor, he told me that I have classic symptoms of mid-life crisis. I laughed, given that I only 29 years old. He assured me it is not uncommon (which I later verified with my own research). Call it what you will, it is a “dark night of the soul”. I know that vocationally I need to make a significant shift- not leaving YWAM or Winnipeg, but from within. I have suspected it might have to do with a pastoral calling or church planting, but even that is vague (and terrifying).
This comes during a time of serious stress in our lives, especially financially. Further, we have had an opportunity present itself today that would require a great deal from us- a GREAT deal- but carries with it too much of the sense of God’s hand to dismiss it. The last thing I want this to be is another example of Jamie feeling sorry for himself. My good friend and neighbour, Harry Lehotsky, is dying of pancreatic cancer. I should be full of life. Compared with his reality, it sounds more like I am full of- well, you get the picture.
I don’t know what I am going to do to respond to this challenge, beyond what I have mentioned above. However, I stand with confidence in God and His grace.
The Lord gives. The Lord takes away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Dear Jamie.
Some of the best words ever spoken to me were by one of my voice teachers. She meant it about the moment of performing, but it’s good for all the moments of life: “It is what it is.”
It took me 50 years to come to the place where I can live from the depth of knowing that there is no condemnation in Messiah Jesus. None. It’s not pop psychology to realize you are ok the way you are right now today (especially if you are in Christ!)- it’s deep theology.
You are grieving important, significant losses on several levels. Attend to your sleep the best you can, and do only what truly cannot be delegated. For the rest, let it float. Remember the world in “Perelandra”, how everything was floating? It seemed like nothing much was happening, but that was so not the case. When the time comes you will have the strength for what you must take on. Time is not the enemy.
Many many hugs to you.
Dana
I greatly appreciate your candor and transparency Jamie. I feel for you. Maybe more significantly, I feel like you. So I will pray for you but I also hope you take encouragement from the fact that your post encouraged me. It is relieving to know there is another facing the same struggles and pressures and emotions that I do in ministry as a missionary… even though I wouldn’t wish them on anyone.
May the Lord refresh you, restore your passion and joy, give you wisdom and guts to pursue the opportunities He sets before you, and kill that in you which He wants dead.
As I’ve engaged the young adults at riverwood in exploring what it means to “die to self”, I’ve come to realize that what I’m feeling is sometimes simply the pain of dying… dying to self… and I feel it because I’m not fully dead yet. So at times my outlook has been turned to embrace it and pray the grammatically incorrect prayer “Lord, make me deader”.
Greg
Wow! It is incredible to read your post. 90% of it sounds exactly like the conversations I’m having with friends, coming from me. I feel for you and hope you find God in it better than I am doing.
Jamie
I’m so sorry to read about your suffering. I can only say that I know what you are feeling as I’m feeling it myself. One of the things I’ve struggled with the most is feeling guilty for being depressed. After all, I am richly blessed and live a wonderful life. So I’m accepting it as a challenge. God must want me to grow in some way that I’ve been missing up to now. But of course, it took many dark days to reach this conclusion. A word of advice about food and exercise – Ask yourself if you are actually hungry. Are you feeding your stomach or your mouth? You can also give yourself permission to eat something and then decide you don’t need it after all. The only exercise I can recommend is brisk, vigorous walking. The secret – walk away from home. When you’ve gone about 15 minutes away, give yourself permission to stop exercising. Now all you have to do is walk back home!
Don’t think these simple words are making light of your deep inner pain. Life can be hard and very, very complicated. Try some simple solutions while your brain is working out the tough stuff.
Marty
Dana,
As always, your words are filled with love and wisdom. I need to walk this out day to day. Thanks so much.
Peace,
Jamie
Greg,
Thanks for being so open and honest with your own struggles. We should get together for coffee sometime soon.
Peace,
Jamie
Bill,
You will be in my prayers. Thanks for stopping by.
Peace,
Jamie
Marty,
Thanks for the very practical advice. I let that area of my life slip too far. I am endeavouring to take back the control. Thanks again!
Peace,
Jamie
Jamie,
Mid-life crisis? Well, why not, and beat the rush later?
Seriously, I feel for you and will pray for you.
P.S. Is it possible that this is spiritual warfare against you because you are thinking of planting a church?
Not to sound trite, but I’ve been where you are the past year. My rock through it all has been Isaiah 43, especially verses 18-19. Praying for you here in New York.
Jamie, I’ll certainly continue praying for you. It may not apply to this particular season you’re going through, but periodically throughout my life in ministry, God has led me through such “dark night of the soul” experiences. He has used them to awaken me to things I was not previously focused on; to stir me up and break me out of my comfort zone; to lead me into a measure of change that I otherwise would not have consciously chosen to embrace.
Regardless, I am praying that the Lord will impart the charism of discernment to you, giving you the grace to see, grab hold of, and follow God’s leading into what’s ahead.
Abundant grace to you.
Jamie,
What you describe sounds to me like the Lord is attempting to help you come to a deeper understanding of the Christian faith. It seems He is pulling his presence back a bit that you might spend more time in seeking Him.
Please use this as a time to ask God sincerely if He wants you involved in some of the types of ministry activities you have been involved in. It’s difficult to help people see things until the Lord Himself opens their eyes, however, I will approach you in sincerity and tenderness here.
YWAM’s leadership is drifting from proper Biblical doctrine and so the leaders of the Emerging Church. My honest advice is for you to ask God yourself if what I have shared with you here is correct. Being a non-cessationist myself I personally believe we can experience Him as you seem to.
Ah, I’d better stop…this kind of thing could be bad for my image. If I keep this kind of stuff up people might find out I’m really not such a bad guy after all. By the way, my mom was from Nova Scotia..
Rob,
I don’t think it is an attack on those grounds. Rather, the desire/thought to plant a church stems out of the dissatisfaction. The enemy will take any advantage, right? Thanks for praying!
Peace,
Jamie
Chris,
I believe that God is drawing me into something deeper. It will require of me a level of commitment and character that I have not pursued on my own. I can only hold to the hope of what awaits on the otherside of this challenge. Thanks!
Peace,
Jamie
Ken,
Thank you for your kind words. I have continuously sought after God in regards to the activities and ministries I have been engaged in. I sincerely believe that what I am wrestling with is not a drift from Biblical doctrine. However, it is a question I will continue to ask. Thank you for your wisdom. I think your reputation remains intact (wink).
Peace,
Jamie
Jeremy D,
Thank you for your prayers. I truly appreciate it.
Peace,
Jamie
Jamie, I feel exactly the same way, and I’m also 29. I don’t know if I can call it depression, but I guess I should.
This feeling I have comes from my desire to something relevant in the world. So, maybe this is just a important part of our life, that forces us to consider our ways, and push forward.
But then, there are those things that we can’t change. And in the end, we have to realize that everything is in God’s hand. I guess some things are meant to push further, others are meant for us to just let them go.
That’s the way I feel.
Jamie, there is the tempation to be like Job’s first three friends and provide an answer, but we have a God beyond answers, beyond our wisdom and understanding. But I know through the darkest nights, the deepest valleys…He is in it with us. You are in my prayers Jamie. Shalom…Ron+
Jamie,
You’ve taken an amazinig and commendable step in letting us know of your soul condition–”Why are you cast down, O my soul? Hope in God.” I carry you in a deep prayerful place in my heart.
When it comes to depression, age doesn’t matter. I am 58 and I went into the most severe depression in my life 2 years ago. It was a nightmarish “dark night of the soul.”
Feeling trapped is the worst part. Believe me, as a child of God, you are NOT trapped even though everything seems to scream that you are. You are free. God is liberating you to a new vision, perhaps a new ministry. He is powerfully at work during your weakness. Rest, eat and yes, exercise.
I love you.
I came by your blog kind of by chance and was completely blindsided by the rawness and honesty of your post. It seems like in Chritian cirlces people are really careful to put on a happy face and steer clear of the emptiness and confusion and despondancey we all feel, probably more of the time that we care to admitt, for fear of appearing unspiritual, or something (or maybe it’s just me). We’re supposed to have it figured out and feel happy and joyful in God’s presence all the time, if we don’t we worry there’s some unresolved sin or we’ve need to do something to overcome whatever it is we’re going through. We look for the explanation or the lesson God is teaching us, because it sucks to feel like that and we need there to be a reason. Our whole culture tells us that we shouldn’t have to go through any sort of physical or mental suffering, if only we just do or have the right things. But maybe sometimes feeling empty and down and depressed are just the only response we have to a world beyond our control. Maybe we just need to feel it, face it head on, hold on to Jesus and wait for the freedom and joy He has for us.
Thank you for your honesty and God bless you.
Ahhh the desert years… I’m prayin’ Jamie (interesting to see Ken here!)
Jez
Nuno,Thanks for your comment. While I don’t wish this experience on anyone, it helps to know that I am alone in it. Pray for me, as pray for you as well.Peace,Jamie
Ron,I appreciate your wisdom. Knowing that you care and are praying is “advice” enough. Thank you.Peace,Jamie
John,Having only met you online, I am stunned and humbled by your love and wisdom- perhaps most for its obvious genuine nature. Thank you, my friend.Peace,Jamie
Kamsin,I am so glad that my words impacted you. Throughout this process, sharing this has been the most difficult, but also the most rewarding. I hope you will visit again.Peace,Jamie
Jamie,
I have been praying for you.
I would just like to encourage you to rest and abide in the Father’s loving grip. I believe that in the midst of this, He is faithfully working in you, and that it is His work, not yours. So I would encourage you to trust in His ability to carry you.
I pray that in the midst of this, that the Lord will bring you revelation of His perspective and His love. From knowing you, I know the depth of your commitment to Him, and I also know the depth of His commitment to you. I pray for rest, peace, and comfort for you until you see the other side of this season.
Also, on from a non-spiritual aspect, you might want to get some big gold chains and start wearing your shirts unbuttoned.
Jez,Thank you. Yes, Ken’s visit was a surprise. Kind words.Peace,Jamie
I love you heaps! Nothing changes that!
Grace,
Thanks for the kind words, but even more so for the humourous ones. Just what I needed!
Peace,
Jamie
Snuggle Bug aka Kim,
I love you too!
Peace,
Jamie
I appreciated your honesty. You are certainly good Pastor material. The church needs more like you. Blessings!
Ron
Jamie
I do not pretend to offer any solution or answer.
I do, however, reflect upon the last time I was in Winnipeg with Kim and yourself.
For me, those were wonderful “Short bright days in The Spirit”; I can honestly say I haven’t laughed as long or as hard since.
That said, (and excusing my English-ness) I hope you can allow me to share in your grief as well.
Love to Kim and yourself
ralph
Ron,
Thanks. It is a terrifying prospect. Yet, through it, there is also a glimmer of excitement. We’ll see what God has!
Peace,
Jamie
Ralph,
Thanks bro, we loved your times with us too. Too much fun! You know, if you ever get a hankering for sub-zero Prairie living… Ok, you can stop laughing now!
Love & Peace,
Jamie
Jamie,
Thanks for sharing your heart and something of the depths of what you’re going through.
I too have struggled for years with a kind of depression and dark nights of the soul. And off and on, I still do. I do empathize with you and am lifting you up in prayer.
Like John said, I do believe, without any question God’s hand is on you, and he is doing something special with you, as his cherished son.
much help to you and peace,
Ted
Ted,
While it can be hard to see in the midst of it all, I do hold to the hope of what God is doing in and through me in this time. Thanks for your friendship and prayers.
Peace,
Jamie
Jamie,
I fellowship with you in this journey. I resonate with this post, and feel as if you’ve taken a peek into my own soul.
I’d like to speak on the phone some time soon about this.
Jose,
That would be great. I’ll drop you an email sometime soon. Thanks!
Peace,
Jamie
Jamie –
I’m late to commenting but knowing that typepad will send you an email, I’ll do so anyway. I would be remiss not to say thank you for speaking words I often hear echoing in my head. Knowing myself, I am sure it must sound somewhat hollow to hear someone you’ve never met say you are not alone, but truly you aren’t. I’ve walked with deep sadness borne of depression, and I too am not where I would consider to be “mid-life.” I know joy comes, but often slowly and with more difficulty than I might desire. I’ve got no solution you didn’t mention. But you are not alone.
Darren
Darren,
Thank you for your kind words. Despite having never met you, it means a great deal to know that I am not alone. You are in my prayers, as I hope I am in yours.
Peace,
Jamie