Dark Night of the Soul?
I feel empty.
I know I’m not. I know that I am tired and overwhelmed. I know that some of the circumstances that we are facing will be resolved and overcome. I know that I am surrounded by people who love me, believe in me and will support me through anything. I know that reality is not as bleak as it seems through my current emotional and spiritual perspective.
Still, I feel empty.
Do I lack faith? Am I suffering as result of unconfessed sin? Is it an attack by some malevolent, personified spirit? Is it purely physical? Psychological? Am I just being a wimp? Might I overcome it through just pushing through? Am I just scared and lazy?
In the end, I know that I could improve things through a better lifestyle (especially where diet and exercise are concerned). I know that disciplined sabbath rest is something I need to be more diligent about. I know that many of the circumstances will be resolved, while also knowing that these are things of life. I am working on each of these areas. I see and believe in the hope they provide.
With all that said, I recognize that there are other factors at play here that I need to acknowledge and address. I am suffering from depression. To say this- to recognize that it is more than just tiredness or sadness- is very difficult for me. I find myself bored and dissatisfied with the things that once made me passionate. Paniced energy swings into exhaustion more frequently. I find myself daydreaming about what I might have done differently or could do if only. My eating and exercise habits reflect compulsive responses to the emotions. Situations and people, who I once had boundless patience for, now stir frustration and resentment.
In discussing the matter with a friend who is a counsellor, he told me that I have classic symptoms of mid-life crisis. I laughed, given that I only 29 years old. He assured me it is not uncommon (which I later verified with my own research). Call it what you will, it is a “dark night of the soul”. I know that vocationally I need to make a significant shift- not leaving YWAM or Winnipeg, but from within. I have suspected it might have to do with a pastoral calling or church planting, but even that is vague (and terrifying).
This comes during a time of serious stress in our lives, especially financially. Further, we have had an opportunity present itself today that would require a great deal from us- a GREAT deal- but carries with it too much of the sense of God’s hand to dismiss it. The last thing I want this to be is another example of Jamie feeling sorry for himself. My good friend and neighbour, Harry Lehotsky, is dying of pancreatic cancer. I should be full of life. Compared with his reality, it sounds more like I am full of- well, you get the picture.
I don’t know what I am going to do to respond to this challenge, beyond what I have mentioned above. However, I stand with confidence in God and His grace.
The Lord gives. The Lord takes away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
