Confessions of Missional Mediocrity
Growing up, I attended the same Christian school for 12 years, located about 40kms from where I lived. As my father was a teacher there, I drove to and from school each day with him, usually accompanied by a fellow teacher carpooling with us. During highschool, on our drive home, I would often use my Dad & the other teacher as sounding boards for the ideas and frustrations of my maturing faith. As is common with young Christians, my vision and passion were deeply idealistic, fueled by urgency. However, as a voracious reader, my questions shifted from “Why aren’t we preaching the Gospel from street corners?” to the more uncommon, such as “If we truly believed in Jesus teaching, would we really participate in some of our culture like we do? Consumerism? Individualism?”.
To their credit, unlike many adults in the Evangelical church in which I grew up, they listened patiently and open to these “emerging” ideas, regardless of how foreign they were in my rural, conservative Christian community. However, neither did they enthusiastically jump on board. Too my often deep frustration, they would smile, and say, “Well, you go for it. Once you are doing it, you come back and talk to us.” In others, “practice what you preach” or “put your praxis where your mouth is”. They were not being dismissive (at least not entirely), but requiring me to move beyond the easy idealism and rhetoric to action.
Nearly 15 years later, those conversations still ring as clearly in my mind and heart as they did the day I first heard them. Their challenge, goading me to prove my passion, has deeply shaped the choices I have made in my life in pursuit of these ideals. For those who have read my story (Parts 1, 2 and 3), you will know that directly out of high school, I joined Youth With A Mission (YWAM), where I have been serving (with no end in sight) for nearly 12 years now. Even within this largely Evangelical missions organization (with a fair shaping from the charismatic and holiness traditions), my ideas were often foreign and unusual. Thanks to the freedom inherent in our values and the support of some very “emergent” leaders, I have had the chance to truly put my ideas to the test.
This is not to say that no good has come out of it all. Far from it. We have seen 100′s of young Christians transformed in their worldview through powerful and personal encounters with people who, prior to our involvement, were seen as nothing more than as criminals, statistics or one dimensional Hollywood characters. We have helped mobilize further hundreds in service to the poor, both within our community and in some of the ravaged regions around the globe. I know that I have helped contribute to some amazing successes, but weighed in the balance, has it been enough?
So I ask myself, is it worth it? Is it worth living on the constantly shrinking missionary support? Should I bother desperately praying and pleading that God would send a few more workers to this all but forgotten and rejected community? Have I really lived the sacraficial life required to make the impact believe is only possible through total abandonment to God? Please do not read this as a plea for affirmation. I know so many of you believe in us and what we are doing, many of of you supporting us with much needed finances and even more needed prayer. We are eternally grateful and humbled by all that people have sacraficed in their belief in us and our calling.
Rather, I write these words to give voice to a frustration that many of us feel, whether pastors, “missionaries”, small group leaders or Christians simply truly to serve God authentically and effectively. While the emerging/emergent church conversation has (and remains) an important part of positive change and growth, many are feeling the old pangs of frustration and urgency rekindle within our hearts and communities. The change we were sure would blossom out of this new “movement” has not come to the level of fruition many of us would have hoped.
Do we, then, abandoning the movement and seek more fertile soil? Do we give in to the inevitable need of becoming post-emergent? I don’t think so. First, we have not given this fledgingly movement the time to grow, develop and mature. In the 2000 years of Church history, some of the most significant and fast paced change has come in recent centuries (even decades), thus (perhaps) raising our expectations to the level of instant gratification. We need to extend grace and patience. We need to practice the long lost art of confession, requiring of ourselves the authenticity to share our failures- and not just moral failings- supporting each other in communities where brokenness is assumed and is redeemed through the transformational, wholistic Good News of God.
More than this, however, is the need for us to allow our passion and urgency to drive us to darind and “foolish” acts of service to God- what Gandhi has called “experiments in truth”. We need to band together to step beyond the safety of theological conversation into the risky practice of active Christlikeness in a world that has waited too long already. This does not exclude theological reflection and exploration, but rather let it be fueled by the necessity raised through our daring acts of missional service, justice and love. There are too many of us that we should feel alone in this journey.
So the question remains: Where do we go from here?
Great post.
Where do we go from here? These six words have been rolling around in my mind over and over again with the Resonate conversations we’ve been having the last couple of days. I don’t have a good answer, but I feel like maybe we need to go back before we can go forward.
If that makes any sense.
Paul
Paul,
I’d love for you to elaborate on what you mean. Do tell!
Peace,
Jamie
Often times it’s simple things that can go a long way to strengthen my resolve. Programs are good. Youth groups are good. But sitting at a computer and managing visiting teams, training programs and some such will not help you see the bigger picture or help you connect with your community. Look at your cupboard…c’mon…go to your cupboard. Do you have enough to make a few sandwiches? Call a friend, make a few, walk the neighborhood, give them out and listen to people.
Yesturday, I got to sit down in a motel parking lot with about 7 kids and play with play dough and sculpt Garfield. Now I have a lot to do…good “missions” stuff to do…like draft invitation letters for our new board, fundraise at local businesses for our Thailand trip and get support letters out. But if I do not spend time with those kids, I have missed it.
Hey Chris,
I hear you, but that you are assuming we haven’t and/or aren’t doing this. It is not that which I see as holding us. One major obstacle (though not the only or even the biggest) is that Winnipeg lacks a street culture like, say Vancouver, or other warm climate cities.
At any rate, it is not a lack of ways of connecting with our neighbourhood. It is seeing sustainable relationship built. The kind of initiative you mention aren’t as effective, at least not here.
Thank for the input. I’d love to talk more about this next we connect.
Peace,
Jamie
For your image of “Mediocrity”: “Copyright~ despair.com
God save intellectual property laws!
Randy,
Thanks for pointing it out. I meant to source it, but forgot before I hit post. Am correcting it now.
Peace,
Jamie
Jamie,
“there are too many of us that we should feel alone”..well, I feel alone and have been stuck in mediocrity for a while. It is great to hear these words, I myself need to have community with folks like yourself.
brad
Hey Brad,
I hear you. While we live quite the geographic distant from one another, feel free to consider me a friend. Drop me a line at any time. Are you connected to any groups down in CA?
Peace,
Jamie
Jamie, you said it best:
“We need to practice the long lost art of confession, requiring of ourselves the authenticity to share our failures- and not just moral failings- supporting each other in communities where brokenness is assumed and is redeemed through the transformational, wholistic Good News of God.”
Thanks for this post. It speaks.
Tom
Hey Tom,
Thanks. I have really been challenged to explore confession as a discipline. And again, when I refer to confession, it is not just disclosing the “sins I committed”, but rather an open exposure of my heart, in all its fear, doubt, frustration, etc. This is a scary practice, one that I have only tentatively begun to step into.
Peace,
Jamie
Jamie, great post. I especially appreciated the connection you made between “theory and practice”, and the equal emphasis on the importance of both for actually living out the Jesus thing. I tend to think this an especially important balance when all things are considered, and I too am not ready to give up on the “new thing” called emergent, or whatever the heck you want to call it, because I hope that it’s really an old thing conjoined with the new, baptized by Something far great than oursleves.
Kenny,
I agree. The names and titles we put on things can be helpful as long as they serve. Beyond that, there is one journey of one Church, refusing to be limited to our walls, titles and requirements. Thanks God for that!
Peace,
Jamie
Before I get started on your post, check out Ryan Bolger’s latest. He’s talking about the “dispersed” seminary you wrote about earlier, and some other ideas. Good, good stuff that is sparking some heartfelt comments.
Ok. You set forth your history, ideals and purpose. Then you talked about the disappointments, followed by the things that have borne fruit. Then some frustrations and lots of questions, the core one, it seems to me, and highlighted by you, being: “Have I really lived the sacraficial life required to make the impact I believe is only possible through total abandonment to God?”
You have had a good long time to, as you say, test your idealism on the ground. It’s fitting to have questions about that as you re-evaluate in the midst of changing finances/?goals/aspirations for a family/approaching a birthday with a 0 (I know you have a couple of years yet, but…) I’m not trying to be patronizing, just reminding you that this is to be expected and you’re not weird. No, not weird at all. It’s just not very much fun, this discontent.
What I wonder is, why do you consider the ministry mediocre? Compared to what? What constitutes “a sacrificial life” and “total abandoment” for you? Why? Where do you get the notion that the impact you are having is determined (and I use that word on purpose) by the kind/amount of sacrifice and total abandonment you offer? Do you think God is not delivering on your offering? Are you, deep down, approaching this on the level of “commodity exchange” with God? (you give dedication/abandonment and God is obliged to give “results”) Do you have to be “good enough” to merit God’s favor? Again, I’m not in any sense questioning motives or your truly holy desire to make a difference. Just asking, because you invited us to, and as a recovering perfectionist, this sounds very familiar to what has gone on in my own head at times. If I am off the mark, please forgive me and set me straight.
Some other thoughts, perhaps to explore further in journaling: What exactly have been your expectations? What have you hoped to accomplish, what impact have you expected to have? As you have been called to Winnipeg, what culture is already in place there, and is there a connection for you somehow? Might God be preparing you for ministry in another location? (I’m not saying He is, just that _sometimes_ this discontentedness is how He gets you ready for that change.) Do you need to take a leave of absence/furlough? Who is your Jesus-community- are they folks who assume brokenness? What do you think about getting the ball rolling in your fellowship with the risky confessional stuff?
Do I ever resonate with feeling alone in this place and time, even with knowing how many others “out there” are asking the questions and deeply desiring to incarnate Jesus in praxis. I feel like I’m the only one who “gets it” in my church, even after many of our core leaders went to Reggie McNeal’s presentation last November and mostly agreed with him- I really need someone to do this praxis stuff with, even if it’s a case of the blind leading the blind! And there’s much good theology in place in Book of Order- why isn’t that being taught and connected with living our lives now? Willard’s idea that the structure in place is designed to produce the results you have is a scary one to me, because I don’t see my church disassociating from what seems to me to be the insurmountable monolith of the Presbyterian system. I think the voices that point to the emptiness of Protestant ecclesiology that has developed from the individualistic interpretation of “salvation” are right on. The lack of a sense of what it means to be The People of God is at the heart of, and fuels, the feelings of abandonment and rejection.
…or maybe it’s because it has rained here nearly daily for the last six weeks and I’m ready for the new life of spring.
More hugs to you guys. Don’t know what else to do.
Dana
Dana,
I can always trust you to ask the challenging and really important questions. Sincerely, thank you for that. Let me do my best to respond.
It is not so much that I feel as though I have tried and failed. I am in for the long haul, looking ahead to several more birthdays with zeros (my next being in less than a year). I don’t see myself as a failure, but rather dissatisfied. Also, I am not looking for an exchange with God. By no means. In fact, if I did, I would see it as me short-changing God.
Rather, I am frustrated with where I know we could be, but are not, for which I am resposible- at least in part. I believe, for the most part, what I am up against is the God-given tension to push into the unknown, into the truly risky. Not a new location, something more challenging than that (something I am not ready to discuss in this open forum yet- email me).
Despite the tone of the post, I am actually very hopeful. Again, thank you for asking the right questions.
Peace,
Jamie
Q: Where do we go from here?
A: Wherever God lead us to.
Are we worrying too much about “success” rather than “faithfullness”?
Even Moses and Paul couldn’t answer the “Where do we go from here?” question. All they know was, if the cloud lifted, then they packed. None of them really get anywhere really. It’s God that get their journey somewhere after they die…
Bumble,
Good question, but I don’t think it is about “success” as the world defines it. I agree that the true measure of our success is out obedience and faithfulness to good, but this cannot exclude the very real desire impact peoples lives through the Gospel. Thanks for the reminder.
Peace,
Jamie
J-
I hear it in your voice, I really do. It’s normal for a person of integrity to be dissatisfied and hopeful at the same time. God bless you!
There has been nothing more helpful for me with this stuff than NT Wright’s sermon, “The World, the Church and the Groaning of the Spirit” in his book “The Crown and the Fire”.
BOQ
The present task of the church is not only to share the sufferings of Christ, but in doing so to share and bear the suffereings of the world– and, indeed, to discover that those vocations are two ways of saying the same thing; so that the pain of the world, which was heaped once and for all on to the Messiah on the cross, is now strangely to be shared by those who suffer with him. The church is not insulated from the pain of the world, but is to become for the world what Jesus was for the world, the place where its pain and grief may be focused and concentrated, and so healed. Some may feel this is a risky line of thought; faced with Romans 8, and for that matter Colossians 1.24 and 2 Corinthians 4.7-12, I am certain that it is a Pauline one…. For him, it is precisely because of the Spirit that the Church shares the groaning of the world. And how could it be otherwwise, if the task laid on the Church is that she co-suffer with the Messiah? If it were not for the Spirit, such an idea might actually be blasphemous.
EOQ(p 88-89)
When the thought that belonging to Jesus will lead to suffering began to dawn on me (to which I was pointed by Willard before I even knew Wright), I did not know what to do with it, besides look to the end of it as Substitution, which was what CS Lewis did, but he was leery of it and so was I. I only knew it was somehow True. This sermon of Wright’s tied up so many things into a glorious whole for me that as I was reading it, while we were heading down Interstate 5 to take our older daughter to college, I just about jumped out of my seat and through the roof of the car! Because just like Jesus, the suffering is not the End.
BOQ
…the Church must not respond to this [time of sudden and painful transitions, with the rise of pantheism/ neo-paganism] with a reassertion of dualism, rejecting the world out of hand. Rather, we have here the ground for a fully Christian evaluation of humanness and of the world…enabling us to understand why the world is so achingly beautiful as well as so tragically disaster-prone, and to see both sides without either worshipping the world or rejecting it. Humans are made, Paul says, to be filled with all God’s fullness…we see that the world, too, is to be flooded with God, overflowing with God…[the world] has precisely the beauty of a chalice: a vessel made not for itself but to be filled with the outpoured love of God. That is why, when we work in Christ’s name for justice and peace, for beauty and truth, we do so with hope. That is why, also, we bring these things together in the Eucharist, where symbols of creation are as it were flooded in advance with the living presence of God.
EOQ (p 90-91)
There’s so much more packed into this exposition of Romans 8. But that much is what’s germane to your post. Elsewhere NTW writes that we are to be present in prayer with the world at the point of its pain, and trust that God is somehow, through the presence and prayer, is doing something Redemptive. We partake in the Mystery in this as well.
Sorry to take so much space; I thought this was important for you to hear.
Dana
Dana,
Great quotes. Thanks.
When Kim & I first started the ministry here, we were interviewed by a national Christian TV show. In it I said something that surprised me, as I had never thought of it before. I said something to the manner of:
“When Jesus calls us to take up our cross, we are not merely taking up our own sins and suffering. Rather, like Christ, we are taking up the stuggles and suffering of the world as well.”
I need to remind myself of this. Thanks!
Peace,
Jamie
Thanks. Somehow we neeed to radicalize the missional call of Christ into the fabric of where people live- in their everyday lives, even in high profile corporate America. And across the board. Along with the needed openess to hear God’s call to a different life- to go to the poor and those in need, to those without hope in Jesus. We need to live our lives missionaly and radically across the board. But too easily settle into something far less and more like everyone else.
Well said, Ted. Thanks.
I read this before. And I thank you Jamie, for your honesty and forthrightness in expressing your experience and the problems with it. I see from what you write and certainly it is true with all your years of service, certainly the hand of God in your life and in the life of what happens there. Along with the sense that there is so much more God can and wants to do. The makings of a good biography/autobiography.
Thanks Ted! That means alot.
Peace,
Jamie