(e)mergent Voyageurs

When the Ted Haggard controversy hit the blogosphere, some people asked me why I hadn't posted on the topic. From my previous posts on homosexuality, it was clear I had thought about the topic and had some opinions (see those posts in three parts: 1, 2 and 3). Besides the fact that Haggard, his family and his church had been through enough public scrutiny, I had other reasons for holding back. When I read Brian McLaren's posts on homosexuality over at Christianity Today's "Out Of Ur" blog, I had a similar sense that I was not prepared to weigh in.

However, having begun to write my next book, I have spent some time working on a chapter on sexuality. As you might expect, given the topic and the culture we live in, the issue of homosexuality and the churches response to it jumped to the forefront. The book, intentionally drawing from my own spiritual journey, confronted me with a very difficult challenge: What should I share on such a controversial and sensitive topic?

Here's the thing. During high school, I became aware that my sexual orientation was not the same as the other guys I knew. Where they would joke about being disgusted by the very idea of each other naked, I didn't share that response (though I would pretend I did). When they would get distracted by the maturing figures of our female classmates, I would be drawn to the athlete forms of the guys. Before long I was confronted with the reality that I was different. While I had never acted on it, by my orientation, I realized, "I'm gay".

That terrifying revelation came crashing down on me like the weight of the world. Here I was, a scrawny teenage boy who hated sports and loved poetry, part of a traditional Evangelical church in a rural community filled with farmers, hunters and hockey players. Needless to say, at the best of times, this is not an easy thing to come to terms with, let alone in such circumstances. It has been a tough journey since that day (one which you can read in more detail about when the book comes out), but as you can see, this by no means theoretical or abstractional.

As most of you know, I am happily married to a beautiful Aussie girl. So, was it a passing phase, common to adolescent sexual development? No. Did God heal me, freeing me forever of the homosexual attractions? No. The fact is that my sexual orientation, while obviously having a healthy attraction for women, is still also drawn to the same sex. It is a daily reality that I live and wrestle with.

Beyond the struggle with the attraction, I also wrestle with the theological realities of this issue. Don't get me wrong, it is not that I am questioning the theology for personal reasons- I am very much in love with my wife, have a healthy sex life and have no desire to embrace a different sexuality. Rather, it is not an uncommon occurrence in Christian history that our moral and theological confidence is more a reflection of cultural prejudices than Biblical exegesis (i.e. slavery, women in ministry, etc.).

While he took a great deal of heat on the issue, I can understand and appreciate Brian McLaren's hesitancy to make sweeping, public statements on homosexuality. His pastoral sensitivity, combined with his uncertainty on traditional interpretations of Scripture, cause him to pause in make a stand on the issue (this is my take on his position, so don't quote me on this). In many ways, though I understand some of what the critics say, I appreciate McLaren's stance.

Unfortunately, I do not have that freedom. To maintain an open mind and heart on the issue of homosexuality had (and has) deep rooted implications for me. In order to move forward with my life, I had to decide which course to take and, for me, that meant deciding what I believe about the issue. Does this mean I have no uncertainty or confusion about it? Of course not. I am not sure I will ever truly be sure this side of heaven. However, I believe that practicing homosexuality is inconsistent with Christianity.

Please understand that it pains me deeply to make such a bold, sweeping statement. After all, wouldn't be easier and smarter of me to simply say that "for me its wrong"? Isn't enough to say that while I believe it is a choice I cannot make, I will not state it as a universal? Sure, it is only my conviction of what is true, and yes, I can be, have been and will be wrong in many aspects of life and faith. Yet, by stating it in such relative terms, while attempting to reflect a chastened certainty, I leave myself and others in a torturous position. Besides, if I say it is only true for myself, am I not suggesting that it is a matter of personal choice, one I could have made as equally in the other direction?

Let me be clear here: I did not marry my wife because I had to come to terms with my beliefs about homosexuality. I married her because I love her, I am attracted to her and, should I decide today that I was wrong about this issue, it would not change for a minute my confidence that I am forever with the person I love more than anyone in the world.

That being said, I also believe,and with far more conviction, that the church has failed miserably in our treatment of this issue and more specifically (and tragically) our treatment of the people who are homosexual, by orientation and/or by practice. Not everyone knows this about me, but not because I am ashamed or afraid to tell people. Rather, it is far easier than dealing with the awkwardness, ignorance and judgment that is far too common when people learn about it. To even writing this is a major step out in vulnerability.

My hope in writing this is that in some small way, by sharing my story, Christians will begin to engage this issue with a sensitivity that this is a real issue that effects real people very personally. This is true for those who very publicly attack homosexuality as wrong, but lose sight of the fragile and precious people for whom this is a daily reality. It is equally true for those who seek to be cautious about making moralizing judgments or absolute statements, but can add terrible uncertainty for those who are desperate to understand what to believe and what to do.

The fact is that this is anything but an easy blog post to write. I can think of dozens of reasons not to post it, both because of the personal risk of being so vulnerable and for the potential hurt I could cause others by the stance I take. I decided to post it, in the end, because this is not an issue that will ever be engaged painlessly or comfortably, regardless of the belief(s) you embrace about it. That being said, as I post about last week, it is as much about how you believe than what you believe.

As always, I am not shy about questions, nor will you (likely) hurt my feelings, so weigh in and let me know what you think. Where do we go from here? What must the church do to begin to repair the damage we have done in the name of Christ while not compromising our convictions and beliefs? Have at it!

Emerging Church, Missional, Homosexuality